Pain

Di ko kaya to... I can't pretend anymore. I don't think i can keep pretending that i don't feel pain when you tell me things. To tell me your plans. Plans that do not involve me. But then, i don't Have the right to want it. You're not mine. I want to be yours but you don't want me. You simply don't. And that's what kills me.

I want to forget. I want to let go. Please... Somebody... Help me...

Maybe

I want to forget i ever entertained these stupid thoughts. Forget that i gave the one thing i value most in my life. What happened to the barrier that has guarded it strongly all my life!? Where did it go?

Now i'm left with the tattered remains of my heart. How pathetic. Why would i want to experience this feeling? Is there no other way? I can't keep hoping for something to change. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to keep getting disappointed. Will this always be the same things that i will go through day by day? When will it stop?

Second best

It pains me to think that i have always been and probably will always be the second best in people's lives. No matter if i make every effort to be a better person for them or not. No matter the sacrifices, no matter the love.

Suitors cancel at the last minute, friends do the same, some without leaving something or saying something as a by-your-leave. Really sad. I don't think i'm as good a friend as i think i am for all this to happen to me. I'm possibly not that important.

Why can't i make myself become more special to people's hearts? I hate it. I love you but i can't accept the fact that you will just blow me off with no thoughts to me. That you choose to simply leave me without saying anything. I'm not a fucking machine that you can do that and expect me to be unaffected. I'm sorry but i'm not like that. I won't accept that. And it hurts a lot.

Thing is, i get jealous of your attachment to other people. I can't take it. It's not as if you're mine. Far from it. Worse part is, i can't stop. I don't have the right, i don't have what you want. I'M not who you want.

I wish i can be who you want... It hurts.

Hope

I find myself hoping that one day you'll find me and take me away from this barren lands that i live in. Day by day i keep feeling that i have no way of living my life with you by my side yet still i keep holding on; i keep praying that this leads somewhere.

Now i think i've found you. You lavish me with attention that strings me along. You keep me on my toes with your neverending surprises. Tell me to what end is this for? Why? Did you confuse me when you do this? You're not interested in me. But sometimes i wonder, am i really interested in you or is this just a passing phase? A whim. An obsession. What is it? Help me understand...

Forget

*sigh* i can't seem to stay away even after knowing you can't be mine. I'm lost and alone...

Tired

What's so special about life? I find myself pondering on what i need to do now. Why i have to keep doing these things when i know i've gone past that stage and beyond. Sometimes i feel like it's a never ending vicious cycle. One that doesn't stop changing, one that doesn't get better. Makes me think, what if i sleep tonight and never wake up? What if i walk across the street and get run over by a car? What then? Shall i get a new lease in life then? Will my life get better after? I'm tired and i want to have something to look forward to. Is that too much to ask?

Possession

I tried to stay away but all i ended up doing is make myself crave more and more of your attention. I want to monopolize your world. I want to be the only one in your world. I will not give you up. I can not let you go. What have i gotten myself into knowing you love another? Why do i keep pushing knowing all that does is throw me off the edge of sanity faster? How long til my lucid moments dwindle and disappear? How long til all i get is despondence and isolation? Who needs this anyway? This is a mere reflection of why love should never ever be touched by anyone. It throws you off-kilter.

Thoughts

How do you stop yourself from falling? How can you be the catalyst that drives me insane? What is the next step when all you ever wanted and waited for is blown away?